It will be one year this month, since my Mom died. I often find that I miss her terribly. For as much as I gave her a hard time for calling almost everyday, I would settle for that right now. I guess I will settle for the recorded voice mails that I never got around to deleting from our home phone.
Anyway, for about the past week and a half, she has been in my dreams every night. I am trying to believe that these dreams are a gift, something like bonus time that I am some how getting, but I wake up feeling broken hearted and angry every time. She comes into my dreams shortly after I fall asleep and we spend what feels like a long time together. Usually, only I know she is there and she only interacts with me despite other people being in the scene. However, occasionally, she will interact with my kids. She seems so close that I can smell her and feel her presence, yet I am unable to touch her or give her a hug. In life, she was always very concerned about her retirement. In my dreams, I am often trying to explain to her, that she can’t use her retirement anymore and that it has been taken care of. She seems very frustrated and does not seem to realize that she has passed away. Other times she is happily going along (more realistically, she is happily rushing me along) with whatever is happening in my dream. There is never anything tragic happening in these dreams, just the normal everyday things that we often did together. I can tell when I am starting to wake up from these dreams because she appears to get startled and then she slowly fades away. I uselessly plead with her to stay, but she always goes and I wake up feeling sad and angry.
I guess this drives home for me the concept of so close, yet so far away.